Pastor Eaten By Crocodiles While Teaching About Faith

First of all, this isn’t funny.

Secondly, I did laugh.

A pastor in Zimbabwe was killed by a crocodile while trying to walk on water. Here is the quote from a deacon that made me laugh:

“He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by three large crocodiles in front of us.”

One would think this would lead the church members to re-examine their doctrine and understanding of faith. At the very least, it would lead to a search for a new church. But never underestimate the insanity of people in the church.

“We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week.”

It’s a giant mystery.

Come on, church! We gotta do better than this.

Apparently this story isn’t true. I should have known. That one paragraph was too humorously-expertly written. Bummer, I’ve been had. My typical ironclad confidence in my own brain has been shattered. I may never recover.

Wait, wait. I feel better. I think I’ll go for a walk now.


Snake-Handling Pastor Dies

As you’ve probably heard, Jamie Coots, the star of National Geographics’ Snake Salvation, has died from an untreated snake bite.

Coots is a pastor of a snake handling church. These folk believe that faith consists of taking up rattlesnakes and gyrating poorly to poorly sung blaring southern gospel music.

I will admit, this is way more exciting than listening to a sermon. Apparently obesity also shows faith, based on this video posted by Mr. Coots.

“He had one of the rattlers in his hand, he came over and he was standing beside me. It was plain view, it just turned its head and bit him in the back of the hand … within a second,” Winn said.

When an ambulance arrived at the church at 8:30 p.m. Saturday, they were told Coots had gone home, the Middlesboro Police Department said in a statement. Contacted at his house, Coots refused medical treatment.

The justifications as to why have no doubt begun and the foolishness will continue.

Children Killed in Attempted Exorcism

“A Maryland mother and another woman charged with murdering two of the mother’s small children believed they were performing an exorcism at the time of the killing, police said on Saturday.

“The two children, Norell Harris, 1, and Zyana Harris, 2, suffered multiple stab wounds at a townhouse in Germantown, Maryland, Montgomery County Police said in a statement. Their siblings, ages 5 and 8, were injured and hospitalized, police said.”

Demon-possession and exorcism is one of those subject people can argue about. The Bible certainly talks about it, but very rarely is the modern version of exorcism similar to the Biblical model. There also seems to be something the cross did to limit the effectiveness of demons.

One thing I know for sure, you don’t stab people in an effort to exorcise them. Be careful out there. Bad theology kills.

UPDATE: 1/23/14–the woman accused of killing her kids in an exorcism belonged to a church called the “Demon Assassins.” I know churches these days are trying to have stealth names like “Willow Bridge Fellowship” or “The Barn,” but Demon Assassins might be going a bit too far.