One of the problems with the Bible is that it was written by God. Now, I know, having a book written by God is supposed to be a good thing, and it would be, if God agreed with us more.
But God’s wisdom is the opposite of man’s wisdom, therefore, when you read the Bible you will encounter many a verse that might inconvenience your beliefs and actions.
Rather than going through the inconvenience of changing beliefs or actions, it is easier to convince yourself the verse actually doesn’t mean what it says. I have been a Christian and been around Christians for a long time now, and I know the best ways to loophole your way out of inconvenient verses.
So, for the laymen out there, for those who haven’t yet learned the secrets to avoiding anything in the Bible that remotely causes you pain, inconvenience, bloating or any other mild reaction, here, as a service to you, are the top ten ways to avoid biblical conviction.
1) Start messing with Greek and Hebrew. Sure, you never took any classes on it, but one time you watched Fiddler on the Roof and you used to belong to a sorority with those Greek letter names so, you’re good. Just act like you know what you’re doing and say, “Well, according to the Greek this word actually means. . .” and off you go.
2) Bludgeon your verse with all the verses that can remotely be taken to mean the opposite and thus convince yourself that God only meant this side of the story, not the one that causes you trouble.
3) Forget the Bible and just quote some white guy you agree with who lived a long time ago.
4) Allegorize, allegorize, allegorize! Remember, any word can be the right word if any word can mean anything. Marrying a divorced woman is adultery seems problematic, until you understand that this was an allegory for God’s relationship with fig trees and how fig trees with no fruit are cursed and therefore we can know that cursed fig trees are what He is talking about with divorce. I know, on the surface this makes no sense, but don’t worry about it, it’s just an allegory, which means you can just keep changing it over and over.
5) Invent new definitions. After a while the new definition will be the old definition! For instance, grace used to mean “favor,” until the definition was changed to “undeserved favor.” Now, “undeserved favor” is actually the definition!
6) Read verses really quickly so that you “accidentally” replace inconvenient words with better ones. Keep saying it that way without looking it up so that eventually you memorize your words rather than God’s and then things are cool.
7) Whatever verse you don’t like was actually not written to you. You live in America in the 21st century, there is no way, some camel riding Jews from 4,000 years ago knew anything about you or what you need.
8) Bash men. As you may know, no woman had any part in the writing of Scripture. Now, as we all know, men are complete idiots. You’re going to trust a bunch of men to tell you what’s up? I think not. Men don’t even ask for directions. Ask Moses! It took him 40 years to walk a few hundred miles, and I have to listen to his ideas? I think not.
9) Cut and Paste. Remove verses you don’t like from the Bible. Stay away from all expositional, verse by verse preaching. Follow the example of one of our Founding Fathers and actually cut verses out you don’t like. Mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter, baby!
10) Stop reading the Bible! No one reads that dusty, old book any more. Get off your high horse, exit the ivory tower and come live with the rest of us. You will soon find out that the Bible loses all power over you when you stop paying attention to it.